if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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