So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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