Kiss
Puke
I skipped work to stalk him.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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