I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
