Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Randomize
