the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
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