I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
