I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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