does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I think I just sharted jello shots
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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