Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
