My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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