Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I want to be your penis for a week.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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