areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
