So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
