May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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