is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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