She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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