So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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