She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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