New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Randomize
