summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize