just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It's rum buckets o'clock
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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