I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
