We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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