The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
