Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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