Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
