Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
