You smell like stripper and shame
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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