My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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