it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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