So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
