You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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