I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
