I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
