If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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