at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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