last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
