Ambien. No doubt about it.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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