Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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