I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
