I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I intend to get homeless drunk
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize