Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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