I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
