The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just want nice things and good sex
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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