I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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