i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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