My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
