I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
