Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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