EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
