Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
