I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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