when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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