just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
