life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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