The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
