Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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