My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
well you can't waste a boner
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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