He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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